Hair Hath No Fury Like Bayonetta

I haven’t had to worry about a bad hair day in years. Bayonetta’s however, can summon demons that will drag you down to hell. And since her hair is also her clothing, well, no one said it could multitask.

Blank N64 Cartridge Challenges Your Manhood

Meanwhile, in the make-believe land of eBayia, someone’s auctioning a “mysteriously blank Nintendo 64 cartridge” – promising only that the game works and doesn’t suck. “Are you man enough to buy a label-less N64 game?” No, but Saxton Hale is!

“Yes, this game is missing its labels, leaving the games identity indiscernible. However, everything else about the cartridge is perfect,” says seller urb4nz0mb13. “You are bidding on THE CARTRIDGE WITH NO NAME.“

The seller says he left a hint to the game’s identity on the page, and we see that – displayed in white text – the clue is ” The buy it now price is the year it was released.” Well, since the bidding has gone up to $22.01, and I doubt Skynet sent this thing back in time, we no longer know what that is. However, late yesterday he felt compelled to file this update: “NOTE: This game is not shitty.” Well, if you say so!

Mysteriously Blank N64 Cartridge [eBay, thanks Thretris]

Is ‘WiiRelax’ the Vitality Sensor’s Debut Title?

In April, an Italian company announced “Wii Relax.” Siliconera notes that, not only is that company’s product site gone, Nintendo has now trademarked “WiiRelax” in Europe. Maybe they muscled in on the name after seeing I had shrewdly registered “WiiSittingOnOne’sAss.”

The trademark filing Siliconera found is good in PAL territories. Naturally, one immediately thinks of the pulse-detecting Wii Vitality Sensor that debuted to thunderous lolwuts at E3. I don’t know of any other device, existing or planned, that could measure one’s relaxation. And while I’m seriously interested in what kind of chill-out game Nintendo thinks it might make with this, that does not mean I want to play it.

Wii Relax – note the space between the words – had been a project of Italian developer Pub Company and was thought to be an April Fool’s joke at one point. The site for this thing is blank, indicating Nintendo may have bought or C&D’d it to oblivion. Curious.

BTW, WiiSittingOnOne’sAss is in development with a listed delivery date of “whenever” and comes with a La-Z-Boy attachment for the Wiimote. The Nunchuk is a plate of nachos. I’ve also registered WiiSittingOnOne’sArse in PAL territories.

Will WiiRelax Be Nintendo’s First Vitality Sensor Game? [Siliconera via Destructoid]

The Saboteur is Le Patched, But Will Need un Autre, Soon

The Saboteur’s PC version had big problems out of the box – something like 9 out of 10 ATI-equipped systems couldn’t make it work properly. The remnants of Pandemic have rolled a patch, but be sure to read it carefully.

While the 13.8MB patch should fix the ATI issues, Electronic Arts wants you to accept an EULA before you download it. And then, users with quad core CPUs will need to implement a workaround (described here, see “Known Issues & Current Workaround), otherwise they “will possibly have significant streaming issues.” This is funny because the game’s specs recommend a 2.8GHz Quad Core CPU.

EA says it’s aware of the issue and working on a fix for the next patch update. And “while this will decrease the amount of streaming glitches, it is not a fool-proof fix.”

So wait a minute, is the damn thing patched or not?

BETA Patch Report/Support Thread [EA Forums via VE3D]

Microsoft Patents the Exercise Guilt Trip

Microsoft’s filed a patent that would make avatars more realistic and less idealized, with the point of getting your husky ass out to exercise if what you’re seeing in the dashboard is a more realistic presentation of yourself.

“Avatar Individualized By Physical Characteristic,” is what Microsoft is claiming. “Linking the avatar to a physical characteristic of a user provides leverage to provide incentives or constraints that can encourage good behavior (e.g., healthy behaviors, virtuous behaviors, etc.),” says the patent.

So therefore, if you’re fat, your avatar will be fat – or vice versa. And so Microsoft proposes that your avatar’s conditioning would be reflected in its capabilities within a game, or unlocking a budgeted amount of time to play, or just making the little guy look all buff and hawt.

As a parental control, its use is quite clear. For the individual gamer, it sounds to me like an opt-in thing, whereby if you’ve been feeling bad about all the Hot Pockets and three-hour gaming sessions, you turn on this feature. Sort of like fridge locks, noise reminders and other (in my opinion, abusive) gadgets from the dieting craze.

How is it going to know what the real you looks like? The patent offers that Microsoft would get the info through a “third-party health data collection repository,” I guess to which the player belongs and links to his or her Xbox Live account. Or, says the filing “a real-time physiological sensor (e.g., blood pressure, heart rate, blood glucose, peak flow, pedometer, etc.)” Yay! Sounds like more peripherals.

1Up, which spotted the filing, points out that Nintendo’s already explored this to some extent in Wii Fit, where your Mii gets porky if the game decides you’re overweight. In this case, Microsoft wants to link some sort of tangible benefit to a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

Those are honorable intentions, but given the butthurt that went up when Wii Fit started calling kids fat, I can’t see this ending well. Just last night I screwed around with my avatar – which I always set to large size because, hey, I have a beer gut – and was appalled when I tried on the Vault 101 suit, which is not slimming at all. (My avatar normally wears an untucked golf shirt.) And that’s with the existing body type templates. Before they do this Xbox Live should implement a “suck your gut in” button, like, click and hold the right thumbstick or something.

Microsoft Patents “Avatar Individualized By Physical Characteristic” System [1Up via HBG]

2010: The Year of Better PC Games?

PC gaming – will it finally die in 2010? No. C’mon, stop already with that. Sure, 2009 had its ups and downs, PC gaming is very much alive and maybe looking healthier than ever in 2010.

Blizzard will, we hope, stick to its early 2010 release date for StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty, the first entry in the planned real-time strategy trilogy. And the publisher developer is threatening to release two titles next year, including the third World of Warcraft expansion, Cataclysm.

But 2010 cannot survive on Blizzard alone. Blizzard and Valve? Maybe, but beyond more Left 4 Dead 2 and Team Fortress 2 content, we’re not sure what to expect. Episode III? Let’s not set ourselves up for disappointment.

Thankfully, there are many strong contenders due in the following year, including highly anticipated MMOs like Star Wars: The Old Republic, DC Universe Online, Star Trek Online and APB, to name but a few. So let’s take a look at what’s will be pushing PCs to their limits in 2010, starting right now.

Note: We’ll be looking at every platform’s currently announced and estimated 2010 slate over the course of the rest of the week-and much much more.

StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty
This little known Korean game pits humans, aliens and other aliens against each other in a battle for the biggest collection of minerals and gas. Said to feature more clicking than other real-time strategy games. (Serious portion: OH GOD STARCRAFT II)
World of Warcraft: Cataclysm
Higher level caps, more real estate, flying mounts, Goblins, Worgen, frothing anticipation, oh my! Everything you really need to know about Cataclysm is summed up here.
APB: All Points Bulletin
Realtime Worlds does cops and robbers in an massively multiplayer online environment, with more style and flair than a proper Grand Theft Auto MMO could afford.
Command & Conquer 4: Tiberian Twilight
Tiberian Twilight may be the last traditional C&C game for the foreseeable future, the final chapter in the Tiberium saga. Thankfully, the Global Defense Initiative and the Brotherhood of Nod look to hash it out in a real-time strategy sense that taps the best of the Command & Conquer series.
Star Wars: The Old Republic
BioWare gives Star Wars fans another MMO to live and breath, this one set in the ye olde Old Republic era. Players side with either the Galactic Republic or Sith Empire, settling their differences with lightsabers and blasters.
DC Universe Online
Live your second life in the DC universe, hanging out with some of comics’ greatest heroes and villains.
Natural Selection II
We’re hoping that this real-time strategy meets first-person shooter sequel can make it to PCs in 2010 and we’re keeping our fingers crossed all year just in case.
DeathSpank
Ron Gilbert’s original DeathSpank should be on the radar of any Secret of Monkey Island fan, an action RPG spawned from Gilbert’s own Grumpy Gamer comics.
Global Agenda
Kingdom Under Fire II
Metro 2033
Silent Hunter V
Naval sims? Not my cup of tea, but if you’re looking for deep submarine control and find the prospect of first-person sub simulation exciting, look no further than Silent Hunter V.
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Call of Pripyat
The sequel to S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl promises more first-person shooter horror and more irradiated beasts to shoot up.
Star Trek Online
Space battles! Away missions! Bridge socializing! Klingons on the starboard bow! Atari’s Star Trek themed MMO is looking more inviting than an empty Jefferies Tube. And I’m out of references.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour Online
This browser based golf game starring old whatsisname will be an interesting experiment to watch, given Woods’ new tarnished reputation. Could it be the final EA Sports golf game to bear his name?
Splinter Cell Conviction
Sam Fisher is back and looking less haggard than originally planned. Expect Splinter Cell-style stealth gameplay, with a few new innovations, including more cooperative and competitive multiplayer.
Mass Effect 2
BioWare’s epic space saga continues, now with better shooting mechanics on top of the already intriguing intergalactic soap opera.
Battlefield: Bad Company 2
EA adds more multiplayer shooting to the mix with the release of Bad Company 2, which looks to take the Battlefield formula to the next level.
BioShock 2
Be the Big Daddy in 2K Games’ sequel to the mega hit BioShock. The prequel adds multiplayer, if you consider that a positive or negative.
Dark Void
Capcom’s oft-delayed jetpack hero adventure may have a hard time standing out in a crowded early 2010, but the third person shooting, climbing, flying and UFO hijacking sounds like a good combination.
Dead Rising 2
Zombies require killing in Fortune City and you’re just the right guy to do it. Kill ‘em again with motorcycles, roulette wheels or moose antlers. Your choice.
Dead Space 2
Visceral Games follows up on the excellent Dead Space (and very good Dead Space Extraction) with a new Necromorph dismembering adventure for old Isaac Clarke. Rocket boots? Yes, please.
Lost Planet 2
Get up in them giant bug guts with the sequel to interplanetary adventure shooter Lost Planet. Everything’s bigger!
Medal of Honor
EA reboots Medal of Honor, taking the series from World War II theaters and into the modern age. Could have more beards than any other first-person shooter released next year.
Mafia II
Shoot things ’40s style with Mafia II, another game that should’ve been released in 2009, but will settle for a 2010 release nonetheless.
Max Payne 3
Max is back and far less attractive to women. The paunchier, less follicled Payne is drawn back into the dive and shoot at things world he tried to leave behind him. Expect this one late in 2010.
Aliens Vs. Predator
Aliens and Predators settle their differences in this, the first Sega game that will actually take advantage of the Aliens license. Rebellion is at the helm again, which can only mean good things.
Fallout: New Vegas
Crap, they got Vegas too? We don’t know too much about Bethesda’s follow up to Fallout 3, only that gambling and mutant showgirls are likely to be involved.
Alpha Protocol
The espionage RPG!
Brink
Splash Damage’s squad based and class based tactical shooter is brighter and more promising than most, featuring a unique movement method dubbed SMART.
Singularity
Raven’s time-traveling first-person shooter was moved out of Modern Warfare 2’s way, but now lands directly in the middle of 2010’s busy first half. Perhaps that time glove will find it a better spot to find an audience…
R.U.S.E.
Assassin’s Creed II
Like a fine wine, the extra aging of the PC version of Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed II will only make for a more flavorful experience. PC gamers will enjoy stabbing people in the neck as Ezio in the first quarter of 2010.

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Multiplayer Preview: Seriously. Come Back Here With My Tank! [UPDATED]

I have a thing about tanks. If I can drive it, I will. If I can run you over with it, I shall. If you take it from me, I will chase you down and blow it up. Because if I can’t have it, nobody can!

Battlefield: Bad Company 2’s multiplayer has a tank gimmick, as you may have guessed. I’m not completely sure if it’s in every single mode of multiplayer, but it was the centerpiece of EA’s game demo. The tank is supposed to change the nature of multiplayer by providing a mobile control point that acts as a magnet for all the action in the game. It also acts as a magnet for tank driving fanatics like myself.

What Is It?
Battlefield: Bad Company 2 is a first person war themed shooter set in various locations in and around Russia. The multiplayer uses both custom versions of campaign mode maps and original maps — all of which are tailor made for the tank gameplay. We were told that up to four squads could face off at once in any map, for a total of 16 players in a multiplayer match. Matches are ranked and there’s a hardcore mode that removes the kill cam, applies friendly fire, ditches your targeting reticule so that you actually have to use the gun’s scope and abandons a lot of heads-up display elements. Additionally, there’s an unrevealed squad-based multiplayer mode EA plans to announce later.

What We Saw
Due to some technical difficulties and my unfortunate need to leave a little early, I was only able to play three matches of the one vehicle gameplay with only two to three squads on the same jungle map (called Laguna Presa). I tried out all four classes (engineer, assault, scout and medic), but I wound up sticking to engineer because of my tank obsession as the engineer is the only class that can repair tanks and that comes with rocket-propelled grenades for the blowing up of tanks. That and I wasn’t able to successfully attack anybody with my defibrillator while playing as the medic. Bummer.

How Far Along Is It?
Pre-alpha. The game isn’t due out ’til March 2, 2010 for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and PC.

What Needs Improvement?
Laguna Presa Map: There were two things about the map that didn’t work for me. One, there were at least two places where you could drive the tank up onto a hill and rain down tank fire upon approaching enemies. It seemed a little unfair — but that may have been because we didn’t have four squads in play for the necessary chaos to balance that out. Second, there were no physical boundaries on the map. So you could just be running toward what looks like likely cover and be told by the game that you’re leaving the battlefield and you’ve got 10 seconds to turn around. It was pretty jarring.

What Should Stay The Same?
The TANK! It’s nice to have a mobile magnet like the tank — it means spawn points suddenly become less important for would-be campers. It also gives players a way to switch up the gameplay if they’re able to get to the tank before the other squad does. I was only able to get into the tank once, but for the time I had it, I loved it. It was easy to drive, it automatically fired at anybody within range and if I was really worried, I could change positions within the tank and fire out the sides while somebody else drove. Except I never let anybody else drive because I kept running them over. Then I got exploded and spent the next two matches trying to blow up the tank which kept getting occupied by other squads.

Final Thoughts
If not for the tank, I probably would have been very bored because not much else about the multiplayer stood out as special or different. It’s also too hard to pull off the defibrillator attack — in theory, I should’ve been able to put that puppy in a puddle to shock an enemy within range. Sure, I might’ve died too, but at least I would’ve taken him out with me.

ETA: Here’s the official reply from EA publicist, Jino Talens:

Squad Deathmatch is a brand new mode to BFBC2, so we’re still testing and building it out to the way we want it in the final game. The PS3 beta out now is a general term used in the industry when a game is released early to the public for testing purposes, but the game overall is still in early Alpha.

Torchlight Goes On Sale, Gets New Stuff

Runic’s quietly amazing Torchlight is due for a bumper few days this weekend, Valve announcing today that the game’s in line for some post-release improvements.

First up, “over 60″ Steam achievements are being retro-fitted to the title. Next up, it’s being made compatible with Steam Cloud, meaning you can move your settings and save games between computers (handy, since Torchlight runs so well on laptops).

And finally, the game’s going on sale this weekend. It’ll cost you $10. That, kids, is a steal.

NBA Live 10 DLC? It Must be the Shoes.

Do you know what’s in the free DLC EA Sports just rolled for NBA Live 10? Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? About a zillion new varieties of Nike, adidas and Converse for your hoopsters’ hooves

EA Sports’ blog promises the same package is on the way “very soon” for PlayStation 3. A ton of these look like they have color variants or something, but here’s a list, taken from the EA Sports blog with duplicates removed. I’m just disappointed we don’t have the Chickie Yonakor waffle-soles with floppy three-stripe socks.

TS Supernatural Commander AllStar East Blue SLD/Running White FTW/Red SLD DLC
TS Supernatural Commander
TS Supernatural Creator AllStar West Red SLD/Running White FTW/Metallic Gold SLD
TS Supernatural Creator
TS Cut Creator Low Gil
TS Bounce Commander CMDR 3 Duncan
TS Bounce Commander CMDR 3 KG
TS Bounce Commander CMDR 3 Howard
Jordan Melo M6
Jordan CP3.III
Jordan XII (re-purpose from NBA Street)
Jordan 2010
Nike Air Max LeBron VII
Nike Zoom Kobe V
Nike Zoom Hustle
Converse Wade 5 Mid
Converse EB2 Mid
Converse Weapon Evo Ox
Converse Weapon Evo Ox C
Converse Weapon Evo Mid
Reebok Answer XIII
Reebok Hexride
Nike KD2
Nike Hypermax
Nike Hyperize
Nike SHOX Vision
Nike Blue Chip II
Nike Air MAX Rise
Nike Zoom Skyposite
Nike Zoom Hustle
Nike Cradle Rock Low
Nike MAX Turnaround
Nike Sentido
Nike Zoom Flip’n
Nike Huarache Legion

Holiday DLC Shoe Pack [EA Sports]

Mass Effect 3 Will End Story Arc

Mass Effect 3 is no secret; BioWare’s said for some time this is a trilogy. But we can expect that that sequel will be the final chapter – to this story arc, anyway.

Shacknews reports that Casey Hudson, the series’ project director, told a press event in Edmonton that, “‘Mass Effect 3‘ will be easier because we don’t have to worry about the continuity into the next one.”

There’s no way BioWare will walk away from a money-printing IP like this, even after three titles, so it invites speculation on just what exactly they’ll do with this universe they’ve built after Mass Effect 3. A prequel might be enticing, but you’d also have the whole “in what order do I play these” debate for people just coming to the series.

So anyway, enjoy Shepard and all the others while you’ve got him, which is for the next two games. Tops.

BioWare Already Looking Forward to Mass Effect 3 [Shacknews via MTV Multiplayer]